since i know im dying comparatively soon i mise well start planning my funeral.

CHOICE OF SONG TO BE PLAYED
i still cant decide.
maybe it'll be nothing else matters. that song guided me through the dark points of my life. it just means a lot.
maybe it'll be fade to black. that song is just beautiful, and its my favourite song too.
maybe it'll be my way. its more downtempo and suitable to be a funeral song.

PEOPLE TO CARRY MY COFFIN.
yuxuan.
william.
nic.
fulin.
weng tat.
chit ming.
i'm nt THAT fat. i think 6 is enough.

i rmb alexis said she'll cry at my funeral. i wonder how many ppl actually will.
i dont really care what religion my funeral is.
i just want every1 who genuinely cares for me to be there, to see me 1 last time.
i dont want any overtly religious music.
i MUST have metallica at my funeral.
they saved my soul.
maybe it'll comfort me when im 6 feet under too.

METHOD OF DISPOSAL?
i dont know.
maybe i'll be buried.
but no1 would visit me then.
so maybe i'd be cremated then.
every1 can have a piece of me then.
if you guys want you guys can split me up too.
and if u rly want to you can smoke some essence of munky, so i'll be in your soul, always with you.
cool, innit?

SONG OF THE MOMENT.
Korn-Coming Undone.
lyrics-

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me

Choke choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun
Does not protect me

i think my life reminds me of sid vicious's.

Him-
zero talent at bass guitar.
was all about style.
fucking alcoholic.
no future.
love that died.
died too young.

Me-
zero talent at bboying.
all about looking good and dreaming of the hip hop lifestyle.
fucking alcoholic.
no future.
love that died.
will probably die by 30 too.

when will i die?
its too far away.
i cant live the bboy lifestyle anymore.
its a way of living, which i cant reach.
im dying soon.
i hope my fucking liver fails asap.
then we'll see how miserably few are the fuckers who even think about offering me a liver transplant.
i cant think of any1 who would go that far for me.

i brought my com today to prac.
offered to burn ppl mixtapes.
no1 wanted anything.
fuck it.
im nt spinning anymore.
im nt TRYING anymore.
its fuckin' BOLLOCKS to know that im trying in vain.
fuck 'em.

it doesn't hurt anymore.
nothing does.
last time when i fell down.
i used to groan and feel pain before i continued training.
even when i tried to break my fall.
now i dont feel anything.
even when i try to NOT break my fall.
why not?
i dont feel it anymore.
maybe the feeling is gone; it just died.
maybe.
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew why im still crying inside.
i know i dont really belong here anymore.
i told them i wont be back.
why am i back?
today i came back to burn them mixtapes.
or so i was supposed to.
i dont know what im doing here.
i ask myself this every week.
i did the same thing last week.
i cant feel pain anymore.
pain was like adrenaline.
it kept me going.
it woke me up and reminded me that i was still human.
am i still human?
maybe i shld go back to 555.5.
the floor's harder there.
and i cant try to stretch until i feel pain.
no1 wants to help me.
even though thats what they all said we're here for.
last night
"a crew is here to help one another."
fuck you guys.
no1 helps ME.
and ervin gave the lousiest reason ever.
"dangerous."
that fucking cunt.

song of the moment.
(yes, im at prac. but the song of the moment isnt hip hop.)

My Way, as sung by Sid Vicious.

Lyrics-
And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain (Ha ha ha!)
You cunt, I'm not a queer
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
And each and every highway
And much, much more than this
I did it my way.

guess what.
i've a new gf, according to hui lin.
she's round, slim, green, transparent and her name starts with c.
she's carlsberg.
yeah.
i'm turning into a fucking alcoholic.
i cant help it.
just like i told hui lin.
alcohol doesnt solve your problems.
its just running away from them.
i know.
and yeah. im doing that.
ive got too much shit on my plate.
i just reached home around 12.
my mum and sis are fighting.
and my mum keeps nagging me to be home by 10.
fuck her.
she's not the boss of me.
she keeps trying to appeal to my sense of sympathy.
she doesnt realize ive lost that a long time ago.
im losing all my emotions.
all for the best, i suppose.
i used to think that even if i lost it all i'd still have my angel by my side.
i suppose i was wrong.
im turning into yuxuan.
ok, nt rly.
im a better listener, apparently.
i drink less.
im dumber.
fatter.
fuck it. i'll start crying if i compare myself further.
im turning numb like him.
yeah.
thats it.
nvm.
i still miss my angel.
must numb myself further, until i can stop thinking about her.
dance tml.
shld i even go?
its not much use dancing if i dont have the soul in it.

song of the day.
NoFX.
i want you to want me.
here. lyrics.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
And i want you.

ok... i updated my blogskin.
made it in class today.
im a GREAT student, innit?
haha. im paying SOOOO much attention.
anyway... feeling really random today. dont have much to do...

here. check this.
http://home.comcast.net/~dwedit/flash/mikomiko.html
its really stupid. and random.
just like me today!
haha...

if ur here, btw, u shld know the password.
its...
munky is a rotten cunt

guess what?
lets talk about my new blogskin!
YAY!
haha...
c those pics on the right?
the first pic is the cover of the album london calling, by the clash.
its a great album.
i really like the clash.
i LOVE the cover of i fought the law...
i also like a few other songs by them.
great band, but nt rly my fave.

the 2nd pic is...
anti-flag.
its a newer punk band from america.
its a very good band.
lotsa energy.
lotsa feeling in the songs they sing.

the 3rd pic is...
the dead kennedys.
its a defunct punk band.
they're also very good.
they played the song pull my strings.
if u give a fuck you'd rmb it...

anyway... i made the whole shit here.
i designed it and all.
originally i wanted a layout like alexis's.
with this pic at the top.
here it is.



this the old 1...
its nice too, innit?
oh well.

song of the day.
die for the government.
anti flag.
unless ur lappie is muted, you'd be listening to it now.
check the vids on youtube.
they're very power packed.
its punk.
it aint fuckin' DEAD.

oh yeah. just a short 1.
i made this.
intended to post this earlier, but forgot.

ahh... today's my 2nd week of tutorials...
i feel REALLLY sleepy...
i woke at 6 today to get my fuckin' ass to school. class at 8.
was still late.
fuckin' hell.
i hate the rain.
gives me a headache and makes me late.
zzz...
went for dinner last night.
with... wilson...
ah tat...
hui lin...
the pussycat dolls (dunno their names lol.)
haha.
shit. i hate it when i wanna do something and no1 else wants to.
then i end up not doing it because i hate doing stuff alone.
thats why i seldom go out and everything.
zzz.
last night i wanted to have a quick beer before going home.
wilson didn't wanna.
and apparently a tat's quit drinking.
i hate drinking alone.
i hate doin stuff alone.
i hate it that no1 shares my opinions at most times.
nvm. will elaborate more on this at a later date...

anyway... song of the day.
The Dead Kennedy's pull my strings.
its basically on how mainstream people have no soul and are just cookie cutter bitches of the music industry.
this the chorus:

Is my cock big enough
Is my brain small enough
For you to make me a star
Give me a toot, I'll sell you my soul
Pull my strings and I'll go far

sian.
another day of lectures.
only my second in too many to come...
im hungry...
its too early to eat anyway...
so i'll just starve till lunch again...
zzz...
i seem to be doing that a lot nowadays...
meh.
1 day i'll just drop exhausted...
like SOME1'S gonna do sooner or later...
maybe i should've brought a drink in...
it'll either wake me up or put me to sleep...
haha.
a baron would put me to sleep...
but a carlsberg would probably just wake me up.
i wont even get buzzed.
zzz...

song of the moment...
blink 182's first date.

Lets go... don't wait... this nights almost over
Honest... lets make... this might last forever
Forever,and ever... lets make this last forever
Forever,and ever... lets make this last forever

Forever,and ever... lets make this last forever
Forever,and ever... lets make this last forever

i still miss my angel...

guess what.
i think im turning into a fucking alcoholic.
im not even remotely sleepy nowadays.
i havent felt sleepy for a while now...
except the day before.
i only felt sleepy after a bottle of beer.
maybe im a fucking alcoholic.
i need a bottle of bitter to snooze well...
oh man...
maybe eventually i'll end up just like yuxuan.
cant feel love.
doesnt look forward to it either.
cant get buzzed.
seriously.
i'm kinda losing my buzz.
i dont get as buzzed from a bottle as much as i used to.
a full bottle used to get my high.
now i only get slightly buzzed.
meh.
i'll stop eventually.
i miss drinking with yuxuan and nic.
i miss sitting at the playground with them...
talking about life...
munching soggy fries...
passing bottles of baron's around.
it was usually either baron's or carlsberg.
i think from now on it'll be baron's for me.
carlsberg doesnt even get me buzzed anymore.

also...
from now on i'll put a "song of the moment" at the end of most posts.
it'll be a song i'm currently listening to.
my current earworm, in a way.
so...
today's song of the day is...
BREAKING THE LAW! by Judas Priest.
from the album British Steel.
i love the video.
i love how the 2 guitarists headbang in tandem while playing the guitar solo...
here's the second verse.
i just feel it.

So much for the golden future, I can't even start
I've had every promise broken, there's anger in my heart.
You don't know what it's like, you don't have a clue
If you did you'd find yourselves doing the same thing too...

well... i was supposed to blog this on friday... but i didnt reach home until night and was busy until i reached home just now...
so...
this year's probably gonna be decent.
i'm nt rly sure...
the lecturers seem fine...
the modules seem mostly ok...
except for maybe...
com issues and public relations...
i'm looking forward to radio and maybe newswriting...
haha.
i hope i'll be fine, grades wise.

and also...
my new class....
well... its fine...
(i dont think any of them know where my blog is, so i think i'd be fine if i was really frank here. wont bitch though. dunno them well enuf. havent seen anything bad enuf 2 bitch abt yet.)
i know maybe 3 of them from last sem.
i know starshea and daryll from is. i worked with them, actually.
and i know nadia. dun rly rmb frm where. kickboxing i think. i know my sis knows her though. LAWL.
im slowly getting to know my class.
i know a few names and 1 or 2 ppl...
haha. i'll get to know them.
i've gt 1 whole year...

anyway... can any1 guess what songs i quoted from the last time? i wonder how many will even try.
or how many are even reading.
oh well.

hey i just wanna share some lines i find meaningful...

"Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free"
from my favourite song.

"Welcome to where time stands still
No one leaves and no one will
Moon is full never seems to change
Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see my freedom in my sight
No locked doors no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred"

"There's no sign of the morning coming
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark"

"When a Man Lies He Murders
Some Part of the World
These Are the Pale Deaths Which
Men Miscall Their Lives
All this I Cannot Bear
to Witness Any Longer
Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation
Take Me Home"

"So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters"

i love these songs. yep. they're metal. maybe william will like them. no1 else though, probably.

i liked wilson's "timeline of life" blog post.
so...
i'll do the same thing...
kinda.
i'll omit some stuff which i'd rather not rmb.

PRIMARY 1-Rosyth school
PRIMARY 3- skipped a month or 2 of class due to malaria. ended up top in class.
PRIMARY 4- GEP.
PRIMARY 6-PSLE (no, i wasn't in GEP anymore. i got a life) scored 234.

SEC 1-Holy innocents' high sch. joined scouts and computer club. was in the top class. hated my class. constantly bullied by fulin. hated my class (yeah i know i repeated.)
SEC 2- met a whole lotta new ppl. met timothy ong. fell in love with punk rock and hip hop.
SEC 3- i hated that year. enjoyed whacking wilbur though.
SEC 4- more or less my second best year. played my way through life.
was never serious about anything. smoked like fuck. really enjoyed myself. AND my class wasn't as fucked up.

POLY 1- Valerie. Alexis. Pain.
POLY 2- more pain? blood sweat and beer bottles on my floor?

anyway...
this comes to me...
i really hated a lot of ppl during sec sch...
those cool kids...
rich(er)...
played bball...
chinese pop fans...
they thought they were the shit.
for example...
roston teoh.
than fucker dissed me even after we graduated.
he should be thankful i let it slide.

anyway...



lookie this.
while watching this...
this vid's about helping out ur bro's when they're in need.
no, i dont really like the thuggish mentality.
its the sense of brotherhood.
honestly?
the closest i get is my crew.
and if i want ppl down for stuff...
maybe to hang or something...
have a few drinks...
fuck around(metaphorically)...
its just gonna be a few.
me.
who else?
maybe wilson.
maybe fab.
i dont think any1 else will come.
and to be frank?
least of all, zen and ervin.

o...k....
first tutorial per se, with my new class.
its 8 in the morning.
im fuckin' brain dead now...
i'm zoned out like a fuckin' zombie.
ngzambi.
lawlsh...
i look horrible today.
its kinda hard to do anything at 6 am in the morning, innit?
yep.
i'm wearing my ankle-cut chucks with shorts.
kinda funky, in a way.
now...
i'm looking kinda blur.
did i just restate something?
meh.
proved my point innit?
i'm only gonna be in school for 3 hours.
until.... 11.
then after that... err... erm...
tell u what. i'll go home and peel my skin off.
my exciting life.
lols...
its kinda shit...
the fuckers from tp are busy doing something...
every1's school has started...
so...
i've got nothing to do and i'll spend all my time doing it.
i kinda WANT to be alone, actually.
dont know exactly what to do.
i didn't drink again last night, for the record.
haha.
maybe i'll pack a bottle home later.
then at least i can sleep well.
we'll c.
nothing better to do anyway.

im in my lecture now...
this kinda sucks...
class is fine, actually.
its just that i'm fuckin' starving.
lawls.
lunch is at 12...
maybe i should starve again, then eat a huge dinner.
will see later.
zzz.
my butt hurts.
and i haven't even touched the vid i was supposed to edit.
it kinda sucks.
and i look fucking fat in it.
zzz.
stupid sunburnt back.
hindering my movement.
and now im downloading some mixtape from bboy.org.
its taking forever lor...
zzz...
show ya.



zzz... got a while more... maybe i'll leave it on during lunch.
meh.
and im having a fucking mental block designing the crew logo.
those fuckers never told me what they wanted.
or even wad kinda colour scheme.
this wad ive done so far.





how u guys think?
sucky huh?
need to try better.
im startin to suck.
i suck more than a prc fl.
and im not paid a bit.
zzz.

well....
today is my first day in school.
its fucking sick.
i kinda hate this...
im still missing alexis.
kinda getting over her... kinda.
but still not there yet.
she promised to be friends still.
but she isn't even talking to me anymore.
she doesn't even reply my sms-es.
nvm.
i should kinda give up.
i said that i'd do anything to make her happy.
i'll just take this as the greatest thing i'll ever do to make her happy.

this module kinda sucks...
some entrepreneurship crap.
and my face is starting to peel.
and i'm getting pimples.
this fucking sucks.
oh well.
at least i MOSTLY had fun in sentosa.

i haven't cut myself for a long while.
my skin is too easily infected now.
maybe when my skin heals i'll carve something beautiful on my back to rmb my angel by.

yesterday was my last battle for a while.
it was kinda shitty.
i fucked up.
i couldn't suicide properly...
i regret.
and jenna did a nic.
yep.
she froze up.
nvm.
she'll do well with experience and more training.
hui lin's crew isn't starting out strong.
she's kinda worried.
meh.
don't worry, k?
it'll turn up fine.
u just need to be tighter with them.

today's kinda sucky...
who's started sch now?
me, fab, mickey, erv.
nt sure about the rest...

i typed the above this morning.
now i'm in mcd kovan waiting for peter...
the entrepreneurship wasn't as bad as i thought...
we played board games in the library.
i found this game...
its kinda fun...
its basically a race to put 8 lands in play.
some concepts were similar to magic.
resource management.
land destruction.
playing multiple lands.
cantrips.
ask me if u care to.
it was FUN...
and i kinda got my group already.
first time, eh?
usually i'm left out until the last.
like last sem's marketing.
no1 wanted me.
fuck it...
and guess what?
i found this metal-cased retractable cutter.
it looked so fucking cool i HAD to buy it.
yep.
i love knives.
there was this other knife...
non-retractable blade...
it kinda looked like an art knife or scapel...
apparently its designed to cut glass.
maybe i'll buy it some other time.

zzz.
my shoulders really hurt.
and my nose is peeling...
haha.
its ok though.
no1 looks at ME.
LAWL.

i'm watching mcd tv now...
yep. i'm BORED...
waiting for peter, wilson, ervin and hui lin.
zzz.
there's this cool vid of some skaters skating some places.
i'd say it was mostly street skating but no1 would understand it.
there's a lil' vert skating too.
but anyway...
i always wanted to learn to skate.
there are lotsa stuff i wanted to do but never did.
drums...
bass guitar...
skate...
shoot a hit-and-run style video...
lotsa stuff.
i nv got round to them.
guess they'll have to wait for my mid life crisis...
lols...

i've a feeling this post is getting kinda lengthy...
there's still so much i wanna say but cant.
maybe i will, but not to every1.
maybe some ppl will hear me.
maybe.
maybe tml i'll get knocked down by a car and fuckin' die.
lawlz it up freaks...

tml's gonna be the last time i go out with alexis.
i just cant stop crying.
even now...
as i talk to her online...
i just cant stop crying.
now...
all i can do...
is make sure she's very happy tml.
its horrible knowing that eventually that day will end...
and we'll have to say goodbye.
if only tml was the last day of my life.
if only i could turn back time.
i still love her too much.
i just cant give up.
i'm sorry, angel. i still love you loads.
i don't want just a friendship with you.
i can feel something deeper in my heart for you.
even emotionally-numb yuxuan can tell that i love you.
i'm really sorry.
as for tml...
i really wish it can be just me and you.
i'll try my very best to make you as happy as i can.
it'll really be hard putting a happy facade up for you all day long.
i'm sorry.
but the pathetic, crying bastard who cried to you just now?
thats how i truly feel.
just now when we were sms-ing about other stuff...
i was just pretending to be ok.
so i wouldn't spoil your day.
i'm sorry.
i spoilt your today when i cried to you on the phone just now.
please. don't drag any1 else along.
i love you.
let me give you 1 last day of my love, whether you accept it or not.

this feels...
so wrong...
you know what i'd like to do now...
i just wanna release the pain inside me...
i know this is stupid.
but if i could then i'd spend my whole life moshing.
i'd spend the rest of my life...
getting so drunk i'm numb...
scream my lungs out until i cough blood...
repeatedly slam my puny head violently against whatever gets in my way...
cut myself and cover myself with blood.
i wanna taste blood...
so much blood.
i wanna taste so much blood that it could only mean 1 thing.
i'm dead.

i love you my dear.
i don't know why this ended.
i still love you too much to let go of you.
i don't ever want this to end.
we've got so much left to do.
there's still so much we've got to say to each other.
i always put it off to next time.
now...
there may not be a next time.
i seriously hope there will be.
ut i'm not sure.
it all depends on you.
you'll always hold a special place in my heart.
i believed that we could last for long.
from my point of view.
we kinda did.
4 months is longer than i've ever had.
but 4 months isn't enough for me.
i love you too much to say goodbye.
i don't wanna be just friends with you.
i've seen so much more of your kind heart to be just friends with you.
i love you.
i just cant bear to let go.
i know that most of my sentences are self centred pieces of crap.
but if i don't try to to catch your heart i'd never have gotten it in the first place.
please don't do this.
i just can't bear to let go.
4 months isn't really enough for me.
there's too many memories to let go.
i love you too much.
i still rmb.
at starbucks at holland v.
"be my nancy?"
i don't care if you don't wanna be my nancy.
all i want is for you to be my alexis loo quanrung.
everytime i hear the song...
way back into love.
i just cant help but break down and cry.
every single thing.
reminds me of the love we shared.
i don't want this to end.
please.
i still love you.
here's the note i was gonna print for our 4th month anniversary note.
i'm not gonna print it already.
it'll be too painful.

hey dear.
it's been 4 months already.
i still love you.
i hope you still love me.
i don't know if you do.
you didn't even reply when i asked you that.
its ok.
i'll have to believe that you do.
i really hope to see a 5th month with you, and maybe more.
could you promise me that?
please?
don't leave.
i still love you.
please?
i hope what i made you this month is good enough for you.
i remember what i made you once.
you hated it.
i could tell.
you hated it so much that you didn't even want me to try last month.
this month's my last try.
if you still don't like it...
then i honestly don't know what to do.
i don't know.
maybe this is the last time i'll be doing this.
maybe this is our last anniversary?
i've no idea.
its really up to you.
i still love you.
goodbye, angel.

i wrote this in the morning.
more or less right before you told me that our love faded.
maybe it has to you.
but we can get it back again.
together.
i know i sound pathetic.
i am.
i never could ever have given you the happiness you really deserved.
but i know 1 thing.
i really love you.
i could've tried harder to make you happy.
and i should've.
then maybe today we'll still be together.
just like we could've been for so many more months of love to come.

i hate rich people.
i hate the richer upper class of people who decide what goes in the mainstream.
i hate cheongsters.
i hate people who are socially successful.
i hate people with tons of friends.
i hate this system.
over time, the rich people get richer and the poor get poorer.
the only way to break out of this is to make it into university.
but its a catch 22.
the poor cant afford university.
i hate this capitalist system.
i'd rather we all starve under "godless communism".
if i get arrested for saying this, so be it.
there never was a concept of "political opinion" here anyway.
whatever happened to the ideals of voltaire, who famously said
"i may not agree with what you have to say, but i will defend until my death your right to say it."
fuck.
no, i'm not a commie either.
there is only 1 system fit for this fucking world.
anarchy.
if there was no government.
we would all live as barbaric savages, descending into a true survival of the fittest.
we were born as animals, and that should be the way we live too.
now i see every1 practically worshipping intelligence.
well.
intelligence is of some use in certain situations.
like fighting intelligently.
but what the fuck are concepts such as euclidian geometry or grammar gonna do for us in the real world?
the world is a struggle.
one day.
anarchist all over will overthrow those FUCKING CORRUPT CAPITALIST governments all over.
society will fluctuate, until some semblance of order will eventually return.
we will all live under the black flag.
society will finally be equal.
the strong will rule.
and the weak?
the weak are the ones who justify the strong.

i hate cheongsters.
i hate how they're part of the mindlessly brainwashed mob spending money like water.
while the downtrodden lower class has to be content with nothing.

hey.
rich upper class.
FUCK YOU.
fuck you, your merces and your fucking big houses too.
1 day.
you all will burn.
burned by anarchists wielding black flags.
see you in hell.
FUCKERS.

you have awakened the foul beast within me.
gone is the man who you have loved.
or was he never there?
just a tormented soul hiding behind a dead skin mask.
gone is munky.
bludrayne is back.
i will dance no more.
woe on earth.
for the beast has awakened.
exchanging pain for pleasure.
tasting the blood from his arms.
bashing his skull numb from his inner torment.
from now on.
i am dead.