yeah.
i kinda agree with hui lin's latest blog post.
i hate this popularity.
i'm the metaphorical square peg in the round hole.
i know this sounds stupid, but i never really felt absolutely comfortable in poly life.
its a whole new ball game.
mass com is like a fuckin' popularity contest.
all through secondary school i was the total misfit.
and yeah, i hated the popular kids.
more or less every1 nic hung with.
more or less every1 who played b-ball.
this is why i dont like b ball.
popularity.
its mostly bull.
its so superficial.
its who's hangin' with who and who's the skinniest and all that shit.
who cares who's the hottest?
freaks are cool.
yeah, william.
we're freaks for life.
you because you're a hulking monster.
and i'm a raving maniac.
maybe its a metalhead thing, eh?
LOL.
no. really.
i'm crazy, and have always been so.
even during sec sch.
we were never popular, eh willie boy?
every1 called us perverted freaks.
fuck popularity.
we're proud to be freaks, willie boy.
we're freaks for life.
unloved.
ugly.
imperfect.
yes, we're imperfect and happier this way.
i'd rather not be a tool of the media machine.
i dont wanna have a 6 pack.
i dont wanna look cute.
i dont wanna shop at new urban male.
i dont wanna club.
i dont wanna be just like every1 else.
we were born freaks.
i live a freak.
im doomed to be a freak.
thats it.
i'd rather be with my friends.
my old friends, the ones who're with me.
william.
fulin.
yuxuan.
cm.
ccl.
yep. my bros from bl.
no matter what i do i feel the need to return to them in the end.
i miss my usual bunch of freaks.

Born To Be Wild (as played by Slayer)

Leave the world in a dull disgrace
Fire all your guns at once and
Explode into space
like a true metal child
We were born, born to be wild
We can climb so high
I never want to die

oh well.
so much has happened recently.
i'm falling sick.
flu and sore throat.
i'm supposed to do my dreamweaver project.
i haven't taken any photos yet.
will do that tonight.
we're chillin' with break force crew tonight.
7 at tamp.
seriously.
i dunno who's going.
me.
yuxuan.
maybe a tat?
i dunno.
anyway...
hui lin's crew broke up yesterday.
she got an sms while we were playing enfo.
all of them decided to quit at the same time.
cock-eye.
fucked-up-pizza-face.
jenna.
all of them.
lols.
so i suppose she'll be setting up a new crew.
honestly.
the people were fucked up.
just like me, innit?
i seriously wonder who doesnt have a fucked up piece of bullcrap in life now.
oh yeah.
nic.
LOL.
fuckin' mr. popular is too pc to be fucked up.
he plays mr nice guy all the time, eh?
no. seriously.
nic's turning popular now.
so its my moral right to hate the popular part of him.
i've noticed this for quite a while already.
yuxuan's right.
there are people who strive to be popular and revell in it. (like nic, or adam)
and there are people who dont care, but are popular anyway (like kurt cobain.)
sometimes i dont like the mr nice guy side of nic.
the side of him gals think is cute.
which is precisely why i didn't hang with him in sec sch.
most of my friends were social outcasts.
yep. yuxuan used to be a nerd.
william was a feak with no muscles.
i used to be stronger than the both of them.
i hated nic's friends.
so by extension, i hated nic.
i hated all of them.
because they were mostly of the popular crowd.
guess what?
freaks are cool (rmb this, willie boy?)
.
.
.
anyway.
i dont really feel like saying much more.
so that it for now.
here's the song i'm listening to now.
its about how every1 strives to look like what they cant be.
to be hopelessly underweight.
diet cults. endless popping of diet pills.
This is the end. for you, my friend.

Anti-Flag
This Is The End (For You My Friend)

Seems every station on the TV
is selling something no one can be
If every page was torn from the magazine
would cash still drive the media machine?
The products, damage and pursuit are endless
identity can leave you selfless

We will not witness this anymore
This is the end for you my friend
I can't forgive, I won't forget
on and on, we sing our songs and
on and on, the wars wage on and
on and on, we sing our songs for more
for more

Your eyes are open but you can't see
your mouth is moving but you don't speak
a blitzkrieg of images to break your will
I hope you choke on every pill

this the difference between you and me.
im into hip hop culture.
thats why i bboy.
because im into the culture.
you guys arent.
thats why you mizundastood.
when i just saw the board i was like...
whutadilly????
i meant that just breakbeats alone is kinda incomplete, because its just 1 element of hip hop culture.
you guys misunderstood. fine.
my bad, i suppose.
shld have left it as a draft.

i think listening to breakbeats is just plain stupid.
they're just the same repetitive pattern over and over again.
they're meant to be that way.
SO THEY WONT DISTRACT PEOPLE WATCHING THE BBOYS.
they're meant to just provide a background tune.
its like milk to the honey stars.

instrumentals are only nice if they're technical, or contain variations in sound.
canon in d is nice.
anything from the boty soundtrack?
fuck off.
nice to dance to.
but shit to listen to.

you guys wanna listen to stuff, listen to some real hip hop.
hip hop isnt about just bboying.
its about the traditional elements coming together.

rapping.
bboying.
dj-ing.
graffitti.
(beatboxing is, honestly, just a poor man's substitute for a dj. thats how it originally developed.)

you cant really immerse yourself in hip hop culture without knowing about about its elements.
and honestly, 1 only is incomplete.
its like dancing to no beat.
conversely, its just like listening to just the beat.
which is breakbeat.
it seems incomplete without watching a bboy dancing to it, or hearing an MC rapping over it.
hence i think just listening to just the beat is incomplete.

i'm already getting flame for this.
i wrote it this afternoon and had to go out so i left it half done.
so now im finishing it.

so anyway.
here's proof.
yuxuan. you feel like dancing when you listen to a beat.
thats what it should be.
beats are to break to.
im referring to when you're not dancing.
when you're on the bus, for example.
its hell to you to listen to a beat and not dance.

and yeah. there's lots of hip hop not meant to dance to.
there are raps just to listen to.
stuff to chill to.
G. Funk.
Chopped & Screwed.
you cant break to that. you just listen to it.

Song- Just A Lil' Bit, By Too Phat (Ft. Warrren G.)

Hip-hop be running thru our veins
It gets us up in the morning
Hip-hop keeps me sane
Wherever you rapping
It's embraced across the globe
It's truly amazing
How it gives people hope
That beat is dope
Y'all holla at the DJ.

(This is another verse. its weird to slot it in, but its really meaningful.)

Whether blue or purple
Black or white
Light brown
It's not about skin
But B-boy battles
Who outtwirls and outspins
Screaming (Go B-boy!)
While B-boys gets busy
In hip-hop "whuttup?" hello
And for sure is for shizee
D-rags and corn rows
And kids with pants sagging
Shaking aerosol cans
While bombing and tagging
While DJ`s is crabbing
Scratching breaking styluses
Hooking beats and moving
More heads than hairstylists
Somebody better tell me
Where them bootleggers and pirates is
Should rush 'em all wit viruses
Or put 'em where Osiris is
I hear no promises
So till then
Y'all see me bawling
I’ll keep y’all head bopping
And stay yes yes y'all-in.
God bless
The four elements story is told
And here's a little bit of hip-hop
For your soul.

meh.
i'm in class now.
my eyes feel like they're burning up.
i was first to reach class today, btw.
lol.
early, in fact.
took the school shuttle.
so anyway...
had a long talk with peter last night.
at least he partially understands my moral issue with the takeover.
we'll further discuss this on sunday with the whole crew.
i dont think it'll happen anymore, actually.
who cares.
anyway...
i rmb arguing with ivan about my dressing during the dance finals.
skinny jeans. v necked t shirt. jason mask.
yep.
i know it isnt hip hop.
that wasnt what i was trying to look.
after the first day i knew i could get the prizes if i chose my cards right.
firstly, i knew the choreo bitch's style wasnt hip hop.
hers was just street jazz.
her dressing style wasnt even hip hop either.
so i just played to her dressing style.
simple t shirt and jeans.
i wore skinnies to emphasize my leg movements.
because you all know i've got fucked up arm movements that are repetitive at best, and sometimes nonexistent.
and no, i'm nt gonna do those waves and stuff nic pushes.
my dance that day was actually inspised by slipknot, in fact.
so dont diss it if you dont understand it.
and dont diss my style unless you can do better.

anyway. i found a song a while back.
great song with a moral message in it.
im nt gonna quote lyrics.
but its by too phat.
its called.
just a friend.

*EXTRA*

i forgot to explain why i'm gone on sunday.
well. yuxuan says that if i leave after the performance, like i originally planned.
i'll just fuck up the whole thing.
well.
i dont know why.
if i could i'll just walk up to the mp and tell her that i dont wanna be the pawn of a cabal who dont even give a fuck, and walk off.
well.
he's the choreographer.
if he wants 2 take me out, i respect his decision.
maybe he's afraid i'll intentionally fuck up the choreo.
oh well.
shldnt probe.
wont.
so anyway.
if i go i'll just be watching you all.
wasting my time.
this sunday is probably the last time.
i anticipate a huge argument with peter.
i dont care.
this is my moral obligation.

well. apparently no1 understands why i'm leaving the crew.
yuxuan thinks i'm leaving the crew for all the wrong reasons.
he probably misunderstands why i'm leaving in the first place.
he's smart.
he'll get it soon.
peter...
he found out from the blog.
and after that he asked me why i'm leaving.
when thats the exact reason why my blog post is so fucking long.
and ben asked me the other day where is the crew blog.
fucking hell.
it isnt the first time.
he's asked me b4.
he's been there b4.
the lil' fuckin' rotter.
anyway...
sunday's probably the last time i'll be down with the crew.
they dont seem to understand why i'm doing this.
its not just an issue of creative control for me, though that is certainly also a major point of contention.
its also philosophical and moral issue here.
i know i'll just be repeating myself.
but i'll say it here again.
i dont know what else to say.
its all in that post.
as an anarchist, i'm morally opposed to associating with the government, in any sort.
i dont wanna be seen as under a government institution.
its freedom.
its freedom to choose my performance style.
i'm quite sure i'll be alone in feeling like this on sunday.
the rest of you all...
i know you all...
lemme see.
wilson, yuxuan, nic, ivan, fabian, zen, ervin.

1) THOSE THAT WILL SAY SEE HOW IT GOES FIRST, AND EVENTUALLY BECOME PAWNS OF THIS FASCIST REGIME
Wilson, fabian ervin and zen.

2) THOSE THAT WILL ACTIVELY SUPPORT THE IDEA OF GOING UNDER THE CC
Nic, ivan.

3) THOSE WHO WILL GO UNDER THE CC, ALBEIT LESS THAN WILLINGLY
Erin.

4) THOSE THAT WILL BE STRONGLY OPPOSED TO IT.
me.

yep. so i'm quite sure the crew will carry on without me.
for this i blame peter.
fully.
you're a manager.
you're not a dictator.
after our first performance we all said no.
what were you thinking?
i'd rather go back to 555.5 if using the cc's facilities means we're going down this way.
cant you see they're just using us to enhance their image?
they dont even know about hip hop culture.
they dont even CARE.
they're using us, and you're so blind that you cant see it?
you're making us sell out.
and no, i'd rather keep my morals.
fuck off, man.
fuck off.

this is dedicated to my crew.
its Nirvana.
smells like teen spirit.

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end.

yes, i'm dropping from the crew.
i dont wanna sell out to the mainstream.
i'm not gonna prostitute my art for this rogue regime.
in the words of anti-flag,
"freedom? there aint no fuckin' freedom!"
i've never liked this crass capitalistic chickenshit conformist society.
they just glorify blatant materialism and its all about spending loads of cash and doing whatever you want.
i will not aid these materialistic mother fuckers in their vulgar ostentatious capitalist system.
they're just blatantly spending money they dont deserve.
they just lick ass so they'll get richer while your boss gets richer off you.
house always win.
welcome to capitalism.
its this fuckin' government.
the best government, to me,
is a DEAD one.
fuckin' government exploiting the middle class, while the socio-economic class divide grows bigger and bigger.
yes.
anarchy is order.
if i die under anarchy, i'll die knowing i die under a just system.
if only there was actually a network of anarchists in singapore.
most anarchists i know of here are lone individuals with no support.

i dont wanna be just like those fuckin' prefab superstars.
on those fuckin' idols contests.
they're just fuckin' glorified popularity contests.
they're about who looks the best and who can prostitute theire image best to the mainstream motherfuckers.
whatever happened to talent?
i'm quite sure if even.. say... slayer were to join superband they'd fail miserably.
there's no denying their talent and stage presence.
its just that there's no room for them in the mainstream.
just like there's no room for me in the mainstream either.
most of their songs are all about the same few topics anyway.
it doesnt really matter how flowery they write their lyrics. its all the same few things.
falling in love, lost love and love.
how about singing something that'll make a difference?
lemme give a few examples.
these are the lyrical topics behind some songs i'm listening to now.
-cambodia under pol pot (holiday in cambodia, dead kennedys)
-plight of american-vietnamese children after the vietnam war (straight to hell, the clash)
-the corrupt legal system (i fought the law, the dead kennedys)
-police brutality (police truck, the dead kennedys)
-comparison of the bush regime to an authoritan state (welcome to 1984, anti-flag)

why dont the fuckin' apathetic mainstream fuckheads care about anything that matters?
love?
fuck off.
i've given up on it.
i have been weighed, measured and judged unworthy.
i dont deserve it.
every girl gets sick of me.
i've given up.
i cant improve my life.
mise well try to give my life away.
seriously.
if i was given the chance i'd live in a punkhouse.
i'd go through life as a washed out scum punk who'll probably die by 30 anyway.
it kinda sucks when i'm the only 1 who actually has a philosophy.
yep.
i will never compromise my ideals for the mainstream.
it already shows how they're becoming media whores.
yep.
ivan and nic.
rmb that day we were buying t shirts?
yep.
its SACRILEGE to bboy in a trivium shirt.
trivium's got ZERO to do with hip hop anyway.
dont wear something without understanding what it means.
its like an anarchist wearing a swastika on this sleeve.
i suggested a t shirt with a peace symbol over it.
to be exact, it was a U.S presidential seal with a peace symbol sprayed over it, with the last stroke trailing to back, ending in a dove motif.
yep. peace.
we all need peace.
instead of rogue regimes plundering other nations for oil.
Operation Iraqi Liberation.
O.I.L
understand?
anyway.
they chose a fall out boy shirt.
still nothing to do with hip hop.
ooh lala~
viva la poppy sensation!
fuck it.
i'll be ashamed to be seen in that shirt, or with any1 wearing it.
yep.
fall out boy is yet another icon of prebuscent teens singing along with sappy lyrics written by yet another commercial sell out.
and ivan blatantly stated that i've no say in it, it's a crew decision.
what a FUCKING FASCIST.
wearing a band t shirt means you listen to that band and support them.
thats why i hate it when you guys suggested the trivium tee.
i found it sacrilege when yuxuan bought the ac/dc glove.
i hate it whenever chick bitches wear vintage band tees just to make a fashion statement, having no idea about the band.
anyway...
if u wanna know why i'm quitting, check the crew blog.
i'm off to emo again.

The who-Behind Blue eyes.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

well... the weekend was fine for me.
(yep, this is gonna be a boring recount of my weekend).
was supposed to shop all saturday.
but ivan found us some dance competition so we joined.
then after that we went to shop for shirts to wear for our performance.
yep.
nic and ivan chose a fall out boy t shirt.
yep.
i dont like it.
yep.
i'll be ashamed to wear it.
so...
i'll perform under a mask.
and anyway... i really bought a mask.
its a jason voorhees type hocky mask.
it glows in the dark.
yep.
i'm now kinda fascinated with masks.
maybe i'll dance with a mask from now on.
during performances.
kinda like slipknot, actually.
i want...
a hannibal lecter mask
a Pinhead Mask
a Ghostface mask
a chucky mask
Billy (Puppet from Saw) mask.
any1 knows where to get these?
or any masks at all?
well anyway.
today was the finals sunday.
from 10 whittled down to a top 5.
me, wtf, erin, ivan and this kid.
his name is syamil (i think).
he's 15 and he's really got the flo.
he isnt rly gd at bbboying, but he's real slick.
anyway...
long story short.
i got 3rd.
the kid got 1st, ivan got 2nd.
they both got phones.
i got a psp.
and i'll ask bruce to help me with it on tuesday, and i'll probably get games from nod another day.
after that i went 2 hang wif ccl, cm willie and nod.
cm's bday celebration.
lols.
its great seeing them after so long.
i missed them.
i've asked them for next sat nite.
we'll c whu wants 2 go.

sian. my com just died.
so i lost a LONG blog entry i made about taking over the school.
so anyway...
i'll just write the important part.
about the crew.

the crew isn't going like i envisioned.
well...
i thought of the crew to be more like a family.
with hip hop the catalyst to keep us together.
well...
i made 2 HUGE errors.

firstly... the crew has absolutely no interest in hip hop culture.
they dont even enjoy breaking to hip hop.

and secondly...
i think i made the same mistake as hui lin.
didn't know her crew members before hookin' up wit them.
same here.
not surprisingly, the ones i get along most with are those i knew before.
specifically, yuxuan nic and fab.
i didn't really talk much to the rest. even wilson and zen, even though i've known them for a while.

anyway...
i dont know if anything i do will change this.
i seriously dont think so.
i mean.
if you guys dont give a fuck about the crew then i cant do a thing.
i'm gonna blatantly state it here.
we're all waiting for some1 with initiative to organise chalet.
and if you guys dont propose alternate places to go for crew activities we're going shopping every month.

you know what hurts most?
that you lied.
i never lied.
i did everything else, and i fucked up.
i tried.
i could've tried harder.
i tried my best exactly 1 month and 6 days ago.
but it was too late.
you lied to me.
i know why.
but it doesnt matter.

everytime something like this happens it starts again.
over and over.
its like a fuckin' emotional groundhog day.
its always like this.
its not your fault.
it was always mine.
from the beginning.
thinking that i was ever good enough.
if something is too good to be true, it usually is.
it was.
it still is.
sudden urge to hang myself.
i dont wanna live on like this.
soon.
yeah, maybe.
right.
i'm stuck here.
desperately chasing the memory of a love that no longer exists.

every single tear.
every drop of blood.
everytime i try and numb the pain.
it was worth it.
if only i could do something to live it through again.

i dont know what i'm doing anymore.
i dont know why i'm living.
why am i studying?
why am i alive?
why do i dance?
why do i want cash?
i used to think that i lived for you, and life would be meaningless without you.
now i know what its like to live without a purpose.

sometimes i think i'm past you.
sometimes i think i'm fine.
sometimes i think i can stand alone without you.
happiness lies to me.
its times like this that show me how much i need you.
you're the 1 i think of when i cry.
you're the 1 i think of when i'm lost.
i'm still lost here.
without you.
alone.

i've only knelt down to 1 person ever.
what is dignity in sorrow?
i'd kneel down in the rain if it brought you back.
but we both know its too late for you to change your mind.
feels like i'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Guns N' Roses-
Knockin' On Heaven's Door.

Mama take this badge from me
I can't use it anymore
It's getting dark too dark to see
Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door

ever heard of repetitive strain injury?
i think i'm getting it at the back of my neck.
yep.
now i'm a compulsive headbanger.
i headbang like a fuckin' idiot.
all the time.
when you shake your head hard enough you can kinda shake the thought outta your head long enough to numb yourself momentarily.
momentarily.
its the best i can get.
seriously.
whenever i listen to any form of rock nowadays my head goes back and forth non stop.
in time with the drums.
anything from slayer to even MCR.

now i'm headbanging to nirvana.
yep.
maybe i should do a cobain, eh?
yep.
"it's better to burn out than to fade away."
this is what he said in his suicide note.
haha.

song-
nirvana- smells like teen spirit.

Load up on Drugs
Kill your friends
Its fun to lose
And to pretend
She's overboard
Myself assured
I know I know
A dirty word

With the lights out its less dangerous
Here we are now
Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now
Entertain us

Im worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

And I forget
Just what it takes
And yet I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
Its hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

(i included all the verses, more or less. they're great. they mean a lot. maybe music saves bludrayne's soul, eh?)

i'm at mcd.
its a friday night, after practice.
i'm shuttting myself off from my crew.
the conversation isn't exactly a happy topic for me.
sorry for twisting your finger, btw.

i was sitting alone outside just now.
i saw the tables at which i whiled away so much of my life.
a pack of marlboro lights.
me.
myself.
and i.

i think cigarettes saved my life.
seriously.
O levels.
Valerie.

After Valerie my life was flipped upside down.
i didn't know what to do.
first reaction.
jio airell out.
sit.
smoke.
talk.
thats it.
i miss the feeling of calm i used to get after i chained 3 or 4 at a shot.
it helped me deal with it.
as did pain and blood.

i was thinking of starting smoking again.
at least i'd have lotsa smoking buds this year.
until i realised that it'd be just a pathetic cry for help.
by a pathetic idiot clinging desperately to the memory of a love that no longer exists.
i wanna get myself fuckin' smashed.
start crying.
cut myself until i feel pain.
i miss pain.
i miss my angel.
i wanna cry out but no1's listening.

Blink 182-Adam's Song.

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

hang there, munky.
you're alone now.
let the music save your soul.
don't cry.
you tried.
just try and walk it out.
break out the footwork.
aspire to be like a rhythm sneaker.
you're not limiting yourself.
you're mapping out your style.
walk on, homeboy.

Song of the moment.
get your walk on, xzibit.

Get your walk on, get your head right
I know you feelin the shit, shit is dead right
Get your bounce on, back dat ass up
Bitch pass me the bottle, fill your glass up

i'm now rotting in my class. comm issues.
it'd be a real fun class if i wasn't so sleepy.
yeah. nowadays i STILL cant get to sleep.
but the difference is that i'm horribly exhausted when i wake up.
haha.
kinda busy nowsadays.
yep. i made a typo.
lawl.
anyway...
dinner tonight with whoever who comes.
bboying tml night right after school.
work on saturday and sunday.
back to school right after that.
meh.

song of the moment
mOBSCENE, Marilyn Manson.

You want commitment?
Put on your best suit; get your arms around me
Now we’re going down, down, down
You want commitment?
Put on your best suit; get your arms around me
Now we’re going down, down, down

fucking hell.
so many things have happened.
i dont know where to start now.
for the longest time i didn't read alexis's blog.
i didn't want to emo all over again.
i still did though.
i just tried to read her blog.
but now...
i know im nt welcome anymore.
i'll stay where im welcome.
hence i'll keep to myself.

thon-ning that night.
it was kinda fun.
though only 4 of us were there.
me.
wil.
ccl.
fl.
it was kinda fun.
and i wasnt as emo then, so i didnt try to drink myself numb.
i really feel like doing that now though.
too late, boy.
its too late for anything to matter.
next time its all of us.
bros.
friends.
brothers for life.
lets just go out and drink ourself silly.
lets just do stupid things before we all die.
last night was special.
its called bro magic.
wilson sat there and listened to me cry and talk.
without me being drunk.
we all just wandered around aimlessly in marina square.
its kinda surreal walking around at night.
without the usual bustle and all.
and my mum and my sis are arguing again, as usual.
*thinks*
coconut tree.
desert island.
munky butler.
ah well.

anyway i'm nt gonna blog abt erv.
we're still nt close, i still think his reason was lame.
but iit was just a misunderstanding, i suppose.
blame yuxuan for making it sound so fucked up.

anyway.
i shld go write up the proposal for the crew outting.
i wanna go shopping.

song of the moment.
mc hotdog- 18岁
lyrics-

快乐的药　到底是什么味道
良药苦口我到底要去哪里找

sian.
actually wanted to jio ppl play lan this evening, like we used to.
but no1 wanted.
then wanted to jio ppl thon tml night.
but also no1 wants.
so far only fl, me and ccl ok.
sian hor?
i wan at least 5 ppl lor.
otherwise some fucking ah beng probably come chor dai ji with me again.
zzz...
so anyway...
i asked most ppl lor.
i asked...
a tat, ccl, yuxuan, fab, wilson, nic, willie, zen, cm and fulin.
.
.
.
ok liao.
settle le.
me, ccl, wil and fl 2nite thon.
will blog when i reach home.
abt erv, specifically.
this is gonna be juicy..

ever heard of the movie groundhog day?
it's a movie when a reporter sent to cover a story about groundhog day.
he's stuck in groundhog day and repeats that day every morning.
at first he enjoys himself, relishing the fact that his actions have no consequences.
however, it eventually drives him crazy.
he tries to kill himself, but he just wakes up again the next morning.

my life is growing more and more like that movie.
i just seem trapped, doomed to relive the 6th and 8th of april all over again.
it's almost been a month, yet it seems like a bad nightmare i can never get out of.
at first i really thought it was a bad dream.
but after a while it just struck me that it wasn't.
it wasn't just a bad nightmare i could wake up from.
it was reality.
i was stuck with it.
my angel was gone.
now...
i remember every single detail about those two days.
a day when i realised that i hadn't tried my best.
and a day where i actually tried my best, but it was too late.

it's actually a bad thing that i rmb stuff.
its the 1 thing that sets me apart from most.
its awareness.
prevents apathy.
prevents superficiality.
and ultimately, prevents me from letting go.

i think i need something to take my mind off things.
so far nothing's work.
and no, ms carlsberg's just a sham.
i dont give as much of a fuck about drinking.
i just want someone to hear me talk.
but i'm giving up on that too.
the 3 ppl who sometimes drink with me?
thet're horrible listeners.
yep.
yuxuan, wil, and to a certain extent, nic.

sometimes in life i think i'm just going through the motions.
i've lost the drive in life.
everything seems meaningless now.
even when i headbang it seems almost mechanical, like i'm just doing it for the sake of doing it.
i dont really feel it anymore.

i used to say that bboying isn't a dance; it's a way of living.
i don't say that anymore.
it's the precise reason why i've lost my drive to dance anymore.
it's not about bboying.
it's living the hip hop life.
it's not just something i do; it's an expression of self.
and i feel comatose.
stoned.
dead.

Song-
this munky's gone to heaven, by the pixies.

The creature in the sky
got sucked in a hole
now there's a hole in the sky
and the ground's not cold
and if the ground's not cold
everything is gonna burn
we'll all take turns
i'll get mine too
this munky's gone to heaven...

shit. today's shaping out to be crap again.
woke up late.
missed my consultation for my class.
my group seems a bit pissed (i think.)
and i'm freezing in class.
and this morning i heard that ac milan's in.
that means they defeated man u at least 2-1.
zzz.
fucking hell.
that means they're probably gonna win europe.
just like porto, maybe?
we'll see.
i just hope chelsea doesnt win.
we've got the league match upcoming with the bastards in blue (chelsea, not coppers) to worry about.
anyway.
maybe i shld delete this since no1 who reads this watches soccer, except for willie boy.
haha.
its kinda strange that i've got so many interests that little of my friends are interested in.

soccer- just me and willie.
metal- me and william, to a certain extent. and sometimes lester.
nu-metal- me, willie and sometimes sly.

it kinda sucks, innit?
you'd think all guys like soccer.
and it'd be kinda surprising that in a crew of around 10 only 1 likes soccer.
oh well.
if willie wasn't so busy i'd hang with him more.
like half the time.
if only i could clone myself.
it'd be great.
selwyn2 would drink with me,
selwyn2 would laugh with me and call me a fuckin' rotter.
selwyn2 would headbang with me.
he'd spot my form when i shadowbox (which i still do at home, actually.)
he'd hug me when i cried.
and he'd never need to question me, for he'd understand me perfectly.
he'd smash with me, mosh with me, go crazy with me and back me up when i call people dirty fuckin' prats who act like they're holier than thou.
yep.
i hate them.
such fuckin' prats.
and i especially hate teds, or more accurately, the local equivalents.
they're kinda like a cross between mods and teds.
old money.
fuckin' pricks.
rich.
well-educated.
disrespectful elitist bastards.
they're too rich.
get too much cash from parents.
fuck it, you fuckin' cunts.
i've the right to throw my cash around, because thats working class money which i worked for.
every $5 is an hour of my life.
i hate you prats.
if you want more cash, work for it.
and dont think you'd be better than me.
i'd be coshin' you so hard you'd be turtle-fucked into oblivion.
GBH isn't just a band.
it's what you deserve.
its fuckin' bollocks.

prats.
they're what's for dinner.

song of the moment:
the sex pistols- belsen was a gas.

lyrics-
Be a man
Be a man
Belsen was a gas
Be a man
Kill someone
Kill yourself
Be a man
Be someone
Kill someone
Be a man
Kill yourself