ever heard of the movie groundhog day?
it's a movie when a reporter sent to cover a story about groundhog day.
he's stuck in groundhog day and repeats that day every morning.
at first he enjoys himself, relishing the fact that his actions have no consequences.
however, it eventually drives him crazy.
he tries to kill himself, but he just wakes up again the next morning.

my life is growing more and more like that movie.
i just seem trapped, doomed to relive the 6th and 8th of april all over again.
it's almost been a month, yet it seems like a bad nightmare i can never get out of.
at first i really thought it was a bad dream.
but after a while it just struck me that it wasn't.
it wasn't just a bad nightmare i could wake up from.
it was reality.
i was stuck with it.
my angel was gone.
now...
i remember every single detail about those two days.
a day when i realised that i hadn't tried my best.
and a day where i actually tried my best, but it was too late.

it's actually a bad thing that i rmb stuff.
its the 1 thing that sets me apart from most.
its awareness.
prevents apathy.
prevents superficiality.
and ultimately, prevents me from letting go.

i think i need something to take my mind off things.
so far nothing's work.
and no, ms carlsberg's just a sham.
i dont give as much of a fuck about drinking.
i just want someone to hear me talk.
but i'm giving up on that too.
the 3 ppl who sometimes drink with me?
thet're horrible listeners.
yep.
yuxuan, wil, and to a certain extent, nic.

sometimes in life i think i'm just going through the motions.
i've lost the drive in life.
everything seems meaningless now.
even when i headbang it seems almost mechanical, like i'm just doing it for the sake of doing it.
i dont really feel it anymore.

i used to say that bboying isn't a dance; it's a way of living.
i don't say that anymore.
it's the precise reason why i've lost my drive to dance anymore.
it's not about bboying.
it's living the hip hop life.
it's not just something i do; it's an expression of self.
and i feel comatose.
stoned.
dead.

Song-
this munky's gone to heaven, by the pixies.

The creature in the sky
got sucked in a hole
now there's a hole in the sky
and the ground's not cold
and if the ground's not cold
everything is gonna burn
we'll all take turns
i'll get mine too
this munky's gone to heaven...