i'm at mcd.
its a friday night, after practice.
i'm shuttting myself off from my crew.
the conversation isn't exactly a happy topic for me.
sorry for twisting your finger, btw.

i was sitting alone outside just now.
i saw the tables at which i whiled away so much of my life.
a pack of marlboro lights.
me.
myself.
and i.

i think cigarettes saved my life.
seriously.
O levels.
Valerie.

After Valerie my life was flipped upside down.
i didn't know what to do.
first reaction.
jio airell out.
sit.
smoke.
talk.
thats it.
i miss the feeling of calm i used to get after i chained 3 or 4 at a shot.
it helped me deal with it.
as did pain and blood.

i was thinking of starting smoking again.
at least i'd have lotsa smoking buds this year.
until i realised that it'd be just a pathetic cry for help.
by a pathetic idiot clinging desperately to the memory of a love that no longer exists.
i wanna get myself fuckin' smashed.
start crying.
cut myself until i feel pain.
i miss pain.
i miss my angel.
i wanna cry out but no1's listening.

Blink 182-Adam's Song.

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone