i wanna live in a PUNKHOUSE!
i'm currently addicted to the song punkhouse by screeching weasel.
its a description of life in a punkhouse.
it just sounds so fantastic...
to live a (poor) life not caring about much, just having fun...
lemme quote...

"If you need a place to stay
Welcome to the punk house"
this part just speaks to me... its like a home away from home... like how i treat yuxuan's house sometimes. LOL

"It's a party every day
Living in a punk house
Stay awhile and sit and smoke a cigarette
La la la la"
its not the cigarette that i love, it's its significance.
it represents endless rest and relaxation without stuff to do,...

"Cheap food and even cheaper beer
Are always in a punk house
Jump up and down, dance on the couch
Stuff a potato in your mouth
La la la
Life goes by way too fast
To spend it working for somebody else
It don't make any sense
If you like it here why don't you stay
Don't wanna work? Well that's O.K.
Cause no-one else here wants to get a real job
Come on down, hang out with us"
i just love this part. it promises endless fun without having to worry about cash. i LOVE IT!

"Young and dirt poor and having fun
And we're never growing up"
this is just how i would LOVE to lead life.
without a care for cash at all, but still having lotsa fun...

so anyway...
WELCOME TO THE PUNKHOUSE!
LALALALA~

well.
i think after zen started this i'll explain my nics too.

Drunkn.Munky
-Bboy
-Is crazily violent to others.

Bludrayne
-Metalhead.
-headbangs.
-is crazily violent towards himself AND others.
-named after the song "raining blood" by slayer. rayning blud=bludrayne. understand?

Emo-Wyn
-Emokid (who hates the emo genre for its blatant commercialisation)
-Cries himself to sleep in bed.
-hates himself and wants to die.
-named by william.

Gal-wyn
-Enjoys wandering aimlessly in shopping centres for hours with friends.
-Always wants a new pair of chucks, boots and ...............
-named by william.
-NEVER comes out nowadays. it sucks shopping alone.

Selwyn
-very down to earth.
-hates rich people.
-enjoys drinking with friends at kopitiams or at punggol park. or anywhere at all, actually. its not the location. its the people.
-loves playing lan games.
-is dying and is very much missed.

am i losing touch of myself?
should i start touching myself more, then?
LOL
i'll leave this for you guys to de(I)cide, k?

i've a bad feeling about this.
i think alexis is gonna break up with me soon.
its all my fault.
i've been spending too much time with my crew.
i've been neglecting her.
its not my fault...
i'm really sorry...
you said you would be busy today.
and you'll be busy everyday in the coming 1 or 2 weeks, mostly.
and i'm not sure if i'm coming for training anyway.
you asked yuxuan.
not me.
i'll just be very extra there anyway.
alexis.
what happened?
dont you love me anymore?
i'm really scared.
please dont do this.
i know i should be home earlier.
but the crew always goes for dinner or such.
its always like this.
i'll do anything.
i'll go for training less.
i know you dont like me bboying.
i dont really know why.
after all, your cousin's a bboy too.
but fuck it.
i'll cut down on it if you want me to.
please.
i'll do anything.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.
yuxuan.
i'm scared.
you're the gal expert.
help me man.

note to self-

SELWYN LEE! WAD KINDA USELESS GUY ARE YOU? LOST UR PHONE???? WHERE'S UR SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY? CANT EVEN TAKE CARE OF URSELF STILL WANNA TAKE CARE OF GIRLFRIEND? YOU FUCKING USELESS BASTARD? DANCE ALSO CANNOT DANCE PROPERLY? NOW YOU CANT EVEN TAKE CARE OF 1 PHONE? HUH? WHY YOU SO FUCKING BLUR? UR PHONE GONE SO LONG THEN U REALISE? WAKE UP UR FUCKING IDEA, BOY!

i love alexis.
i just cant help finding her to be so amazingly beautiful.
and i just cant help butbe surprised when she just catches me off guard and reads my mind like a book.
fuck...
it takes every1 else over 5 years to do that, apparently.
i just find it amazing that after exactly 3 months and 2 weeks she's still loving me.
i dont know why she chose me when she could've easily gotten some1 much better.
fuck it...
i really love her...
i dont wanna lose her.
surprisingly, she's not exactly my type.
my type?
look at wilson's gf.
something like that.
but that isn't the matter.
my love for her easily overrules all my sick jap sch gal fantasies...
i cant help thinking that sometimes i take her for granted.
i dont wanna.
she might be gone any moment.
we might be saying something like...
i love you! cya tml!
and there might not be any love tml.
or even a tml.
seriously?
there are only 2 things in my life that matter much to me.
my bros (including my crew)
and alexis.
or shld that be the other way round?
i dont wanna compare.
i hope there nv comes a day where i'm forced to choose between the 2.
honestly?
i'd probably rather kill myself than choose.
i dont have the balls to decide.
so anyway...
ALEXIS! I LOVE YOU!

i found this on bboy.org.
its interesting, in a way.

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE


Any pain to be suffered comes first. Instinctively you fight to live.

That is automatic.

It is inconceivable to the conscious mind that any other reality could possibly exist beside the earth-world of matter bounded by time and space. We are used to it. We have been trained since birth to live and thrive in it. We know ourselves to be ourselves by the external stimuli we receive. Life tells us who we are and we accept its telling. That, too, is automatic, and to be expected.

Your body goes limp. Your heart stops. No more air flows in or out.

You lose sight, feeling, and movement – although the ability to hear goes last. Identity ceases. The "you" that you once were becomes only a memory.

There is no pain at the moment of death.

Only peaceful silence. . . calm. . . quiet.

But you still exist.

It is easy not to breathe. In fact, it is easier, more comfortable, and infinitely more natural not to breathe than to breathe. The biggest surprise for most people in dying is to realize that dying does not end life. Whether darkness or light comes next, or some kind of event, be it positive, negative, or somewhere in-between, expected or unexpected, the biggest surprise of all is to realize you are still you. You can still think, you can still remember, you can still see, hear, move, reason, wonder, feel, question, and tell jokes – if you wish.

You are still alive, very much alive. Actually, you're more alive after death than at any time since you were last born. Only the way of all this is different; different because you no longer wear a dense body to filter and amplify the various sensations you had once regarded as the only valid indicators of what constitutes life. You had always been taught one has to wear a body to live.

If you expect to die when you die you will be disappointed.

The only thing dying does is help you release, slough off, and discard the "jacket" you once wore (more commonly referred to as a body).

When you die you lose your body.

That's all there is to it.

Nothing else is lost.

*DISCLAIMER*
i am NOT gonna kill myself anytime soon.

seems like latest trend in my crew to do this... so...

You are The Emperor

Stability, power, protection, realization; a great person.

The Emperor is the great authority figure of the Tarot, so it represents
fathers, father-figures and employers. There is a lot of aggression and violence
too.

The Emperor naturally follows the Empress. Like an infant, he is filled with enthuiasm, energy, aggression. He is direct, guileless and all too often irresistible. Unfortunately, like a baby he can also be a tyrant. Impatient, demanding, controlling. In the best of circumstances, he signifies the leader that everyone wants to follow, sitting on a throne that indicates the solid foundation of an Empire he created, loves and rules with intelligence and enthusiasm. But that throne can also be a trap, a responsibility that has the Emperor feeling restless, bored and discontent.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

meh.

i hate myself.
i just lost my phone.
my day was great.
spent it with alexis.
just great.
until i lost my phone.
i hate myself.
i wanna curl up and die.
fuck.
it was my birthday present from my mum.
last last year.
now i need to contact darrel urgently.
i need to talk to him about $.
its very urgent.
so every1, help me ask around.
for these 2 ppl, or any1 who may know them.

NAME: Darrel (sp?)
SCHOOL: ngee ann poly (his course name got a lot of e 1 i know.. engineer related 1)
APPEARANCE: lotsa pimples, long hair, transparent plastic specs.
AGE: my age.
LOCATION: bukit panjang.

NAME: Benjamin
SCHOOL: ngee ann poly chemical engineering.
AGE: my age.
LOCATION: ang mo kio.
APPEARANCE: curly, short hair. smokes (marlboro reds the last time i noticed), small beard-goatee thingy (like i used to have), no specs.

thats more or less all i know.
now i feel like shit.
i cant sms alexis.
i feel so cut off.
i've lost every1's contacts lor...
i hate myself and wanna die.

i'm kinda starting to hate you guys.
you guys always seem to LOVE going home asap.
ur house very fun meh?
if u think ur house is so great then lemme come over lah?
i don't know how come you guys are so...
spoiler.
and you guys seem scared of the night or something.
whats wrong?
if u still got transport home then whats wrong?
fuck.
we ALL live nearby.
if i can make it home, we ALL can.
you guys seriously bore me sometimes.
why dont one day, we all go have fun together, as a crew, on my dollar.
i'll pay for food, transport and alcohol.
then can you guys finally just come and have a FULL day of fun, unlike the half days we always do?

i think im starting to get addicted.
to PM5K.
haha...
its powerman 5000.
an alternative metal band.
the lead is rob zombie's bro so they sound kinda similar in style.
but its still fantastic.
you guys should try it.
instead of reading, um-chio-ing and clicking that red button on the top left side of ur screen.
LOL.

fuck.
still no results in.
for the crew jersey survey.
zzz.
i thought today finish, i'll make a nice graph or chart.
then tml at practice i could talk to the crew.
you guys suck balls.
donkey balls.
you're fucking wasting my time.
thats it.
i'm off the jersey design.
design your own jerseys.

ok....
i'm fucked.
so i'd finish this asap, k?
anyway.
great day at work today.
not too busy, not too boringly free.
lunch was fantastic.
after lunch, a customer bought me a beer and gave me a small tip.
had a nice relaxing 2 hours just staring at the sea.
when i started again, started an hour early. an extra 5 bucks, i suppose.
and after that.
i met sheereen's dad.
he recognised my lip stud, apparently.
lols...
chatted with him for quite a while...
he's quite a nice guy...
DIDN'T get fucked by the boss...
ended reasonably.
not a bad day.
it'd be FANTASTIC if alexis still worked with me, and if my body din ache so much.

this was written this morning:

ok a quick 5 mins of my life before i rush to my shitty McJob.
i dont wanna talk much on my results.
they're fucking bollocks.
but that's much more than i could've ever hoped for, innit?
fuck it.
maybe i should've gone somewhere else, eh?
fucking bollocks.

anyway...
crew jerseys.
they're giving me hell.
i dont know if i wanna even do them.
most of the crew are so fucking APATHETIC that they wont give much of a fuck how it looks like.
THEN they'll complain about the jerseys looking like shit.
(go get a dictionary, guys. most of you dont even know whats apathetic.)
especially zen and wil.
i'll make a survey.
i wont get anything helpful from zen and wil.
and besides, creatively most of the crew is shit too.
you guys cant even throw up a freestyle that isn't
toprocks->footwork->transition->baby freeze.
i'm nt saying i'm gd.
but honestly?
the only people of much use in this shit is me, nic and yuxuan.
yuxuan's stuck doing the choreo.
so its me and nic.
so its probably gonna be mostly me.
fuck it, guys.
i want this to be a crew thing.
so...
if i feel you guys dont contribute much to it,
i'm tagging my name somewhere on the jerseys.
you guys are stuck on the com most of the time.
whip out your mouse.
try designing something.
fuck you, guys.
i'm doing design on FIREWORKS, ffs.

sian.
it seems i've literally gt next to nothing in my life without alexis.
today i literally had nothing to do.
so went to yuxuan's house to rot my life away lor...
my life now is literally bboy training, alexis and work.
and i REALLY miss all of them.
i've been missing training too often.
i REALLY miss my darling pufferpig/angel/gf lor...
and i'm fuckin' getting poorer every minute lor...
bank account. 95 bucks.
120 bucks to be banked in tml.
at least now i'm DEBT FREE!
i repaid all the cash i owe ppl.
total paid out.
84 bucks.
it seems fine.
nt enough.
but ok.
i'm working on monday.
another 35 bucks.
thursday.
another 20.
fuck it.
i wanna work more.
preferably everyday.
my dream-
bank account 1k.
where izzit?
i nv seen 4 digits in my account b4.
oh well.

sian.
as expected, the crew's going home.
my homeboys are literally HOMEboys. lols...
so now...
sian lor.
go atm transfer cash to ppl.
then go yuxuan house lor.
so sian.

cb lah....
just woke up again.
body fucking stiff.
missed prac. AGAIN.
sianz...
now my whole day all fucked up liao.
originally planned 2 slack e day away wif e crew after prac.
now?
sianz.
nth 2 do liao.
i wann go out.
i wanna go hang somewhere and rot my day outside instead of at home.
zzz.
i wonder where the crew's going after this.
i seriously think they're going home though.
well maybe nt fabian.
lols...
they're really home-bound ppl.
hmm...
maybe i shld drag them down to hang around town.
i dunno...
they're nt picking up my calls.
tml.
saturday.
i dont care.
i MUST go.
i'll get my mum to drag me up at 9.
so i'll just nice reach at 10.
after SO long.
it'll feel great to get your joints moving again.

and anyway...
i miss my quanrung.alexis/puffer-pig/angel.
she's at camp again.
after that she'll come home then go to ANOTHER camp.
repeat for 9 more days.
sian.
i offered to see her by "sending her an extra sleeping bag"
but she din wan.
oh well.
i'm fuckin' selfish.
lol.

fuck it.
you guys never come through for me.
everytime its either busy, tired or BLATANTLY saying you cant be bothered.
fuck it, guys.
why cant i even get my own bro to save me?
i bet if i was about to get killed by some fucking chau ah beng you guys wouldnt come down either.
fuck you, guys.
i thought i could depend on you, if my world collapsed around me.
you guys are the good time crew.
always ready to come for good times.
like midnite drinking sessions at some ulu playground in the middle of punggol park.
or if there's food involved.
like at the crew gathering the other time.
or at the other time we had that housewarming thing.
where we all got too drunk to fuck.
but where r u guys now?
fuck it.
its always the usual guys u think u can rely on.
you guys never come through.
its the ones who i always think are unreliable who never come through for me.
yesterday, ccl.
today, cm.
yeah, strangely, it's cm today.
we haven't heard frm that guy for dunno how long.
and strangely enough.
other ppl who i haven't spoken to for the longest time are the ones that are more likely to help me.
shen yu de.
dunno how long nv talk to him b4 the factory job.
he also try his best to help me.
but he also having similar prob.
so bo pian.
chua fulin.
knn... my FUCKING bro lor...
ccb...
blatantly keeps telling me he's too lazy and cant be bothered.
fuck you, guys.
you guys know how broke we are.
you guys know how much i work.
for me to NOT work and get you guys to replace me?
that fucking means its not just fucking ANYTHING.
this morning i let my crew down.
i dont know why i felt guilty about THAT.
you guys have been letting me down for a long while already.
look.
we're all poor, yuxuan aside.
he doesn't need cash so he doesn't need to work.
but for the rest of us, we dont have much cash.
fuck.
if i wanted to, i could constantly nag my mum for cash.
she'd give.
i know she will.
but fuck, she's having a hard time working.
i can at least help her by not asking her for cash all the time.
its the holidays.
dont be a fucking bum.
you guys wont get paid for bboying.
anytime soon.
fuck it.
galley very far, true.
pay isn't very gd, true.
uniform looks like fuck, true.
but its better than nothing.
so fuck you, guys.
i literally rotted my last holiday away waiting for yuxuan to get me a job.
i'm not gonna do that for this.

shit man.
i just woke up.
i was supposed to WORK at 12 lor...
and i just woke up.
lols.
my manager gave me my morning call, i suppose.
so i'm working later from 6.
sian.
that means less 15 bucks or so.
and i was supposed to go help collect stuff around 7 plus for alexis.
seems like i cant do that either now.
she just msged me.
she's really pissed, apparently.
i'm sorry dear.
i didn't know i had work until this morning.
and i missed training this morning, too.
this factory job REALLY fucks up ur body clock.
haiz...
i feel like a fucking failure now...
i failed alexis.
i failed my crew.
i failed my manager.
and alexis said i'm becoming fatter.
fuck.
i've always been fat.
but if she says so then i'd better starve like a dog.
so i'm drinking water for breakfast and skipping lunch and dinner.
my stomach is literally BURNING now...
sian...
and alexis is getting skinnier lor...
she still wants to lose weight...
later she so skinny...
not as nice to hug lor...
oh well.
if it makes her happy then so be it...
and anyway...
happy 3 month anniversary, my dear.
i never thought we'd end up quarreling on this day.
oh well.
i've got 4 more hours to find a replacement for work.
i can fail every1.
but i'm gonna try my best not to fail alexis again.

well....
fall out boy came and went to sg...
i didn't go, of course.
i have a sense of talent, k?
so anyway...
i'm gonna dedicate this whole post to a rant against pop.

hi my name is selwyn and i hate pop music.
its not just english pop or chinese pop or even zen's j-pop.
its pop in general.
music is universal.
i'll listen to it as long as its good.
its not what language its in, its how good it is.
i hate pop music.
its shallow.
it's too "dumbed-down"
i like music with elaborate metaphors and abstract concepts.
for example,
check up on the lyrics of the song angel of death, by slayer.
i hate how popular culture has STOLEN, RAPED AND ABUSED everything.
no, i don't automatically like metal, for instance.
i hate cradle of filth.
there is no metal band which has sold out and given in to the mainstream like cradle of filth.
i hate how the mainstream has appropriated the hard work and evolution the pioneers of subcultures have crafted the music they make.
its not saying that commercial radio NEVER plays good music.
there are many bands in the mainstream which play good music.
for example, Metallica and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
they're both good. they're both on mainstream radio.
its POP i hate.
pop has robbed the identities of subcultures.
for example,
there's pop-punk.
simple plan.
they may play like punks on certain songs.
but just listen to how they sing and what they sing about.
you'll find out that there's nothing much punk about them.
there's pop hip-hop.
the black eyed peas.
apparently they were a decent group before fergie joined.
but now they've sold like a pasar malam.
and just take a look at those chinese pop bands.
for example, energy.
they're pretty boys.
they're more about a pretty boy image than the music itself.
it's kinda telling that posters for them mostly show them smiling at the camera instead of actually PERFORMING.
many of them sing sappy ballads about love.
fuck it.
they're loaded.
they're good looking.
they've got fucking ARMIES of lil' gals just SCREAMING to be fucked by the idols they're HOPELESSLY devoted too.
what the fuck are they trippin' on?
i've a feeling that if u roll up their sleeves
*cue excited, orgasmic screams from crowd of gals*
u'll probably find SHEETS of acid...
however else could they be SO deluded.
i hate them for producing...
NO WAIT
they dont even produce their OWN music
i hate them for singing the shitty songs written for them.
i hate them for stealing the good name of rock and DRAGGING it through the mud.
singing to a band doesn't make you rock.
you're supposed to actually PLAY your own instruments.
have a sense of pride.
you want guitars?
PLAY THEM.
and wearing a cap slanted slightly sideways doesn't make you hip-hop.
and quiksilver isn't even a hip-hop brand.
it's surfwear, k?
you want hip hop?
rocawear.
vokal.
fubu.
new era.
shady ltd.
hip hop isn't a style of dress.
it isn't a style of music.
hip hop isn't what you do.
it isn't how you look.
its about your soul.
its about feeling the beat.
the 5 elements of hip hop.
bboying.
graffiti.
beatboxing.
scratching.
MC-ing.
they're not about fashion.
they're about creativity.
go figure, k?
whatever you more or less find in commercialised brands like these are usually kinda crap.
OP.
quiksilver.
roxy.
i HATE these brands.
they're part of the mindless machine of crass capitalism brainwashing people.
i dont wanna be just like you.
i want a sense of identity.
i wanna be me.
Drunkn Munky.
*staggers off with a bottle of beer TAPED to each hand.*

haha...
at last...
I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE!
*turns into syllabear*
lol.
anyway...
i'm awake again.
gonna bboy again later.
in 1 and a half hours.
and then after that...
gonna meet alexis at nlb...probably
and then gonna WORK AGAIN.
shitty job.
so tiring.
it pays decent though.
think of the cash, boy.
think of HER.
anyway...
i'd betta rethink my personal routine, btw.
seriously.
we all look the same.
toprocks->footwork->freeze.
most of us, that is.
i want more.
windmills by our next performance.
and i haven't finished my new year resolution moves...
what were they?
3-step.
flare.
kip-ups.
swipes.
super-worm.
so i've got 3 of them left, i suppose.
oh well.
i'll go eat breakfast.
after all, i'm not gonna eat much until my break at around 12 plus tonight.
and no sleep until 8+am tml morning.
fucking bollocks.

ok.
i'm not working on saturday.
fuck.
and i'm only gonna do this shit until tuesday.
so its yesterday, today monday and tuesday.
seriously?
now i'd rather curl up in a ball and work 24/7.
then i can drop dead from exhaustion.
then i wont have to deal with this shit.
thats it.
i'm gonna MAKE you drop that job.
i dont know how.
i'll think about it at work later.
inevitably it'll involve either blood or fire and my body.
please.
dont make me do this.
i seriously dont like it.
i know i cant really force your choice.
even though you always do that to me.
i cant bear to literally force you and hurt you.
so i'm gonna hurt myself and force you.

I-HAVE-SINNED-BY-JUST
Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away

I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I WAIT AND BLEED!!!

You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain is always free

goodbye, blue sky.