i'm in a very doomy, depressed mood now.
the kinda mood that makes me wanna slit my throat and light black candles and stuff.
i dunno why.
i guess im just in 1 of those moods.

this kinda mood makes me feel very alone, as well as making me WANT to be alone.
cold.
grim.

sometimes i just feel like ive got lotsa crap to say.
but i dont know exactly what to say anymore.
or who to say it to anymore.
its like screaming at a wall sometimes.

i listen to a ton of music.
and sometimes it seems like thats all thats important anymore.
what else is there to hold dear?
everything else is just... temporal.

any1 watches lost?
rmb the episode not to long ago?
the constant?
desmond's consciousness kept snapping back between 2 times.
so he had to find a constant of sorts to position himself temporally, otherwise his consciousness would just... not return to his body.
where's my constant, in a way?

cold, dark grim feelings.
its like everything in life's an illusion sometimes.
just a false reward.
a moment of personal glory sandwiched between eternities of reality.

i have not yet completed the race, though it seems like i have.
the finishing line is not in sight, no blue riband awaits me.
all i see is the dust of my contemporaries choking me.
i lie here, nose to the ground.
will i ever get up and back in the race?
or cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home?

i wonder how life would be like if i made a few minor changes.
ever heard of the butterfly effect?
a butterfly flapping its wings on 1 side of the globe may cause a hurricane on the other side.
time... is like that.
what would my life be like if i, for example, lived in a house 1 down the road instead?
drastically different, actually.
i wouldnt have had been able to get into my primary school.
see my point?

i remember reading about this fictional life simulation game.
to inspire the test subjects into developing space flight, the player parted the clouds to reveal the splendour of the night sky.
just 1 clear night.
if only i could do that with life.
sit in on life as an observer.
once in a while i could part the metaphorical clouds on life.
i wish i could do that with mine and see what happens, no?

To Live Is To Die- Metallica
When a Man Lies He Murders
Some Part of the World
These Are the Pale Deaths Which
Men Miscall Their Lives
All this I Cannot Bear
to Witness Any Longer
Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation take Me Home?

Solitude- Candlemass
Earth to earth
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust