Crossroads: Turn Left//Turn Right?

i don't know where to go now.
i'm seriously thinking about stopping bboying.
nowadays sundays seem just like i'm just going through the motions again.
and again.
and again.

i'm not sure but maybe its something to do with the direction in which the crew is,
and has been for quite a while, going towards.
honestly?
i've never like the beats you guys played.
personally, i feel that electronic beats are bland and overproduced.
and also, i just don't feel it.
worse still if the beat is stolen from a classic song.
i absolutely REFUSE to listen to it.
i start playing air guitar when i hear that prepare for the battle shit.
its totally stolen from eye of the tiger.
electronic beats just aren't my idea of a beat.

yeah i remember once where i heard a catchy beat.
just my type: old school and kinda funky.
sparsely produced.
i remember exactly what ervin said when i wanted him to change back to that song for my throw in the cipher.
"but must suit the majority what"
Conformity.
He REEKS of it.
I didn't understand.
just for my throw, and you guys could've switched back np.
thinking that it'd kill your flow?
well, about my flow?
you guys have been killing it softly with your sound.
either way you guys are more or less just following yuxuan's sound.
its always his beats spinning.
so you all listen to them too.
why not try something new in the first place?

in the first place bboying was never representative for me in the first place.
i can't show my emotions through it.
as i recall,
i once said that bboying for me is only when i'm happy and i'm feeling the beat.
peter said that i shouldn't go with my emotions.
well, doesn't that mean i shouldn't be myself?
if i'm sad, i'm sad.
i'm pissed, i'm pissed.
seriously.
metal is so much more representative of my emotions.
me listening to metal is like a kid running into a candy shop.
so many flavours to enjoy.
metal more or less suits my every mood.
all along, i listen to metal when i'm feeling emotional.

i feel sad?
Glam Metal Ballads, like Poison or GnR
i feel angry?
Thrash Metal, like Metallica or Slayer.
i feel murderous?
Death Metal/Black Metal, like Amon Amarth or Dimmu Borgir.
i feel despondent?
Power Metal/Epic Metal, like Queensryche or Manowar.

You get the gist.
either way, i'm not really feeling it anymore.

i've quarreled with most people in the crew before, over various issues.
i remember when we first started out.
we were quite close.
perhaps out of necessity, as the crew was quite small.
now?
its kinda...
we're more or less once a week hi-bye friends.
we train together
(for me, more or less without a single word)
sometimes we have lunch
(sometimes. but always without ppl like ervin and zen.)
we more or less don't hang outside of training.
i tried suggesting before, but nothing happens.
maybe its a clique-ish thing and i'm out of sync.
if i wanted to, i really could break into the cult of yuxuan-ism
(that's just a joke, not a statement, btw.)
but in doing so i wouldn't be being true to myself, innit?

maybe i'm a loner by choice.
i won't talk to any1 unless i'm either close to them or they talk to me first.
i'd rather sit and be by myself.
i love the comfortable silence that arises from familiarity.
the type when you know someone so well that you don't have to talk.
you already know what's going on.
no, i'm not a dreamer.
its like that with william, for me.
we talk, but once in a while we don't even have to.
we just sit there and keep each other company.

whichever way you spin it, i've changed.
ever since i entered poly.
i used to be a wild lout.
now?
i'm mentally from a different generation.
god bless the day i found the sex pistols, as that was the day in which the seeds of inquisitiveness were planted in me.
i'm from generation x.
the "why?" generation.
you guys are from generation y.
y, meaning "why ask why".
like wilson's ubiquitous answer, which i absolutely hate, "for what?"
its always "huh? for what?"
i hate that answer.
its not like i'd ask you to do something which requires much of an explanation.
i ask you guys to do stuff like have dinner, or meet up to chill.
even if you asked me seriously, i wouldn't be able to give an answer.
stuff like this shouldn't need one.

mentally, i'm very different from the crew.
or most people of our generation.
i lack apathy.

maybe i'm losing inspiration.
maybe i just need another shot of it.
i've always said that something you're engaged in is never just that.
more often than not, its a lifestyle.
i don't know.
if i have to place effort into cultivating something then i'm definitely not living it.
maybe its because i'm alone in my interest?
if i had a buddy who i could share my interest in old school raps with maybe i would be more enthusiastic about it.
just like now i'm getting into wider subgenres of metal, because i usually hang with metalheads in school.
stuff like that.

honestly i'm hoping that no matter what this is,
it'll all blow over after the crew chalet.
i'm hoping that the chalet will help me bond with the other crew members.
thats why i kept stressing that we should all stick more or less together during the chalet.
and also why i kept wanting more beer.
too little to get drunk, but enough to keep the conversation flowing.
i don't know.
maybe this is a last ditch effort.
maybe i'm missing out on the social aspect of being a bboy.
i'm giving this 1 last try, perhaps.
only time will tell how.

Are You Dead Yet, by children of bodom.

Enemy, take one good look at me
Eradicate what you will always be
Tainted flesh, polluted soul
Through a mirror I behold
Throw a punch
Shards bleed on the floor
Tearing me apart but
I don't care anymore
Should I regret or ask myself
Are you dead yet?