i'm such a failure in life.
dropped out of san da.
default financial status is broke.
and when i tried slashing my arm just now my knife wasn't even sharp enough to cut through my skin.
i need to sharpen it.
nic, zen.
rmb when we did my back?
we had to sharpen my knife every 3 strokes or so.
anyway...
i've only got 2 things in life to live for.
alexis.
and bboying.
i'm lousy with both.
i just manage to piss alexis off ever so often.
i just can't be the guy she deserves.
i offered to be her slave.
with a collar around my neck.
i'd be a better 1 than i'm a boyfriend.
i can't even get enough cash to get her proper gifts.
and i cant help feeling constantly inferior.
every single guy is cuter.
and she's way better in every single way.
smarter...
more hardworking....
better looking...
richer...
just now i saw her parents' car.
merc.
just the time of car i used to spit on and scratch for being fucking rich bastards.
she said her family was financially tight because they repaired the roof for another few k...
my mum just said that about the paint we bought for the house.
totalled around 200 bucks.
she said that she'd ask for extra pocket money for "printing notes" when she finished hers last time.
i'd just starve.
i'd try to flee from paying $2 to the class fund for months just because i couldn't afford it.
i knew my family was poor.
i'd try to avoid asking my mum for cash.
i was constantly broke.
so was my mum.
she'd work hard all day long...
then she'd feel guilty about neglecting us...
so she'd splurge on us during birthdays and christmas.
after a while...
i'd grow up.
i'd just decline christmas presents.
my birthday and christmas is already close enough.
when i was young...
i hated my mum for not spending enough time with us...
when i grew up i realised that my mum had no choice.
faggot father jumped on us...
din pay child maintennance.
ever.
bastard owes us too much.
i heard malaysia was flooded...
i hope he drowned.
my mum...
she works too hard.
you guys can probably state what your parentS work as.
i cant.
my mum has lotsa jobs.
her resume would certainly be interesting.
-building manager at thong chai medical clinic.
-Private investigator. (twice. worked at 2 companies)
-real estate agent. (worked under 3 companies which i know of so far)
-secretary (a long time ago, at a bank.)
-art director

and this is just what i know of.
i know she's held other jobs. seriously?
i know my mum loves me.
i don't need you guys to jio me for dinner then constantly flame me about it.
its just that sometimes she's unreasonable.
fuck it.
who isn't?
i am too.
trying to impose my wishes on others.
isn't that unreasonable?

and i'm sick of every1 thinking of me as mr. wikipedia.
and i'm sick of you guys thinking of me as some freak who cant be understood most of the time.
i HATE it when some1 says "that's so selwyn"
i know i speak like that too...
but no1's complained.
but now i'm complaining.
you guys shouldn't expect me to know every little esoteric fact.
yeah. whip out your dictionary.
E-SO-TE-RIC.
k?
and yeah, the only reason why i know so many stupid words is because i'm a fucking NERD.
VIN-DI-CA-TED.
magic the gathering card.
emo dashboard confessional song.
vindicate.
means to absolve of blame or guilt.
or proven innocent.
yeah.
since when is it a crime to know more?
it's useless.
but why should i be ashamed of myself because of that?
i'm NOT mr wikipedia.
i just happen to know many stupid things, k?
yeah.
i know more stupid, USELESS things than useful ones.
and yeah, i don't have my head screwed on right like AIRELL.
i know i suck at lotsa stuff.
and yeah, airell was punctual ONCE while i'm more or less ALWAYS late.
i know.
i can never live up to your expectations.
or what you deserve.
i'm sorry.
but i don't need EVERY1 to fucking RUB IT IN all the time.
all that i hear is reminders of my failure everywhere.
sometimes too much reminding is depressing.
i already KNOW it.
and i'm trying to change.
i wish someday i'd be the perfect guy.
my mum constantly reminds me that since alexis is frm a rich family i'd better do well academically so she'd like me still...
i don't know where she pulled that out from.
but i dont really need to be reminded thatn alexis is much richer than me.
she can afford to let her piercings close if she just doesn't like them.
me?
i did mine for 20 cents.
diy.
was slightly slanted.
still was too cheapo to let it close and redo it.
u rly wanna know how i'd be like if i was rich enough to never care about employment or anything at all?
full back. stylised dragon curling down my torso.
full sleeves.
teardrop tattoo below my eye.
wrist piercing.
nape piercing.
smiley piercing.
spiderweb tattoo on elbow.
you guys can afford to play around with this kinda stuff.
i cant.
the closest i'll ever get will probably be slicing open my skin with a razor blade.
i'd rather do that anyway.
you want somethin done right?
u gotta do it yourself.
and thus...
nic...
can u cut this time?
then zen can cut the next one.
i'll get a sharper knife this time. promise.
i'll think up a design too.
i'll try to get 1 which is mostly straight lines, k?
untl next time...
M.I.A.M.I
money is a major issue.
think about it.
take a second.