lol i just some funny "rules of metal" joke.
so i'll try to make up my own.
Section 1: Black Metal
1) if you are a bassist, you MUST murder your band's lead guitarist.
2) when taking photos, pose your hand like a claw and look upwards with bared teeth.
3) when recording music, make sure you record it in a garage surrounded mechanics and workmen. (10 points to any1 who gets this.)
4) when you make an album, make sure you record 666 copies. then burn 665 copies for extra "kvlt-ness"
5) if you're on stage, you'd BETTER have blood somewhere.
6) make sure every photo you take is so grainy nobody can tell whats in the photo.
Section 2: Power Metal
1) your lead singer should be able to smash glasses with your voice. if not, remove his testicles and try again.
2) everyone is to wear satin and lace. frilly panties don't count.
(we don't wanna know if you do anyway.)
3) add more keyboards.
4) add even more keyboards.
5) make all your songs 15 minutes long to be "fuckin' epic"
6) 15 minutes means 30 solos. 10 minutes means 20 solos.
Section 3: Death Metal
1) your singers should be able to sound exactly like cookie monster. ah fuck, just sample cookie monster's vocals.
2) nobody who sees your logo should be able to understand what it says.
3) write songs about slasher flicks.
4) write songs about OTHER slasher flicks.
5) crib footage out of slasher flicks and call it a music video.
Section 4: Thrash Metal
1) if you're a bassist get crushed by a bus.
2) denim. no leather. denim vests, denim jeans, denim undies, denim condoms...
3) disregard what everyone says. its STILL the mid 80s.
4) if you're not playing decently, you haven't had enough beer.
5) if you're playing well, you need more beer.
6) if you're playing, you need more beer.
7) if you're not playing, you need MORE BEER!
Bonus section: Nu-Metal
1) make fun of gays all the time. dont let anyone find out your appetite for cum.
2) if you're a bassist, don't learn bass. just hit it randomly and call it "groovy slap y'all:
3) dreadlocks, shaved head or backwards baseball cap. no exceptions.
4) no guitar solos. you're probably too crappy to play one instead.
5) when people ask about your influences, ALWAYS say black sabbath.
6) when in doubt, say "fuck yeah, motherfuckers. JUMPDAFUCKUP!"
man, that was exhausting.
Cowboys from hell- Pantera
You see us comin'
And you all together run for cover
(We're taking over this town)
